Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i will never coherently bang her
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
