just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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