ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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