I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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