The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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