Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
