I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
