i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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