I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
