she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
