Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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