I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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