Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
