i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
