I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
