tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
