So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
