watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
