I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The beers last night were like the tears from god
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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