i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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