I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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