All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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