So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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