So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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