forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
