the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i've created a new STD.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sobbing to NWA
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
