Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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