You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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