Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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