she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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