i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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