I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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