halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.