I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
