Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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