I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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