We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
