I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
pray to the hookup gods
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
