hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize