I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.