I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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