two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
