how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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