I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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