I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
