Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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