the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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