You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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