I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
