I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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