Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
