I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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