Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if only i could text you this smell
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
