Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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