tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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