My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
